Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Fall Leaves
After two and half days of doing nothing but sobbing my eyes out into Steve's chest, who passes me off to my mother's chest to cry into while he goes to work, who passes me back to Steve's chest when he gets home, I've finally calmed down. I still have no answers. Amanda's not really being that cooperative until Steve gets a paternity test. Throughout all of this cry, I became really really sick. I was already sick to begin with having puss pockets in the base of my throat, but it enhanced with all the sobbing I was doing and not to mention the heavy lifting at work.
The day before Amanda's baby was born, I was kind of sick, but brushed it off. I had to lift this extremely heavy box into a bin. My co-worker and I tried to do a "Team Lift" on it and it was even too heavy for the both of us. So we ended up getting a cart and shoving it off the pallet onto the cart. We took the cart near the spot we needed to shove it into and tried to lift it again. It was so heavy we couldn't get it up. Our boss walked by and I yelled over to her for some help to at least hold the cart. She held the cart and we lifted the box. The box almost fell on her and I caught it with my arm. I think that's where the most pain began. My co-worker and I lifted it slightly and got it into its bin. Our boss had to throw the cart aside and helped us push the box into the bin. Afterward, I was so sore and tired. Then the night Amanda's baby was born and I was already weak from sobbing all night and all the way to work, the moment I get to work, this guy asks me to bring him a pallet with GV Purified Gallon Water. There are 56 boxes of 6 one gallon bottles on this pallet. I began to pull it with a pallet jack and a co-worker rushed over to push it and we had to push it from one side of walmart, to the other. I grew winded and weak while pulling it over there and we finally reached our destination. I dropped it off and went back to the backroom where I was then asked to bin housewares. Such as Vacuums, dish sets, and microwaves. The night probably couldn't get any slower especially with the amount of pain surging through every muscle of my body. Also, the moment people left me alone in the backroom, I began to sob heavily. It was probably the worst night of my life.
I came home in the morning and found I was entirely alone. For once, the house was completely empty, and I needed someone with me. I began to sob wholeheartedly into my sleeve and was desperately texting my mother for help. She asked her boss to come home and she rushed home to me. I couldn't do anything for hours except pour tears into her chest. I also complained about the pain throughout my whole body and the soreness of my throat. She decided we should call the doctor in which she did. We had to call Grandma to find the name of my doctor because he used to be my uncle Bruce's doctor, so she knew. She began to mention Amanda's baby and what we're planning on doing. She couldn't understand my response because it was nothing but a growing blubbering of jibberish coming out in sobs. She knew she took a wrong step and was trying to calm me, but it was already too late. Mom took the phone away and spoke to grandma about a muscle relaxer. Mom gave me this pill and told me it was to help me relax. I passed out.
I woke up with mom taking me to the hospital for my doctor's appointment she set up while I was falling asleep. We got there and they tested me for strep in which I did not have. They just assumed it was a virus and I needed to take ibuprofen and lots of rest. The doctor then prescribed me to stay home from work that night and take the next few days off which those days were my days off. But I feel terrible because I took a day off, then I take my two days off, and then I return Thursday night and I get transferred Friday.
Probably really pissed them off. Oh well, I won't see them for a while now though.
Today I didn't do anything, but just rest and hang out with mom. She stayed home with me to make sure I was okay for the whole day. Then when Steve came home, he took me to Michael's because they're having a 20% to 60% off sale on all Halloween things! So we spent some good money and I bought some baskets for the wedding next year! Here it is. I'm also going to have the flower girl throw fall leaves rather than flowers. Perhaps there will be a couple flowers in there, but the main thing will be fall leaves. These are also going to be the colors for the wedding.
I've yet to decide who the flower girl should be. I don't know any young girls really. My FRIEND, Amanda, her baby will be almost 2 by the time of the wedding, but is 2 old enough to walk and comprehend throwing flowers? I don't know. I'll ask around some more. For the ring bearer, Steve offered Maggie. Which I found hilarious and thought he was joking, but he was serious. I'm still thinking that over as well. I offered his nephew. Adrian's son. Steve said he didn't even think of that. So that's something to consider too. But I don't want Adrian's other son, Jordan, to feel left out. So I might make him a Jr. Groomsman/Usher. Sounds good to me. I will make him something.
Steve gets so tired and with us on different schedules, we don't get to hang out that much. So when he insists on hanging out with me, this is generally what happens:
The poor boy is always so tired. I wish he wasn't always passing out on me. I wish we could actually hang out. My life has been just up and down so much. I can't even keep up with it. I wish I could just get a good long week long nap.
I don't know how I'm going to catch up or get ahead. I assume eventually we'll get back on track and everything will be okay for a while.
The day before Amanda's baby was born, I was kind of sick, but brushed it off. I had to lift this extremely heavy box into a bin. My co-worker and I tried to do a "Team Lift" on it and it was even too heavy for the both of us. So we ended up getting a cart and shoving it off the pallet onto the cart. We took the cart near the spot we needed to shove it into and tried to lift it again. It was so heavy we couldn't get it up. Our boss walked by and I yelled over to her for some help to at least hold the cart. She held the cart and we lifted the box. The box almost fell on her and I caught it with my arm. I think that's where the most pain began. My co-worker and I lifted it slightly and got it into its bin. Our boss had to throw the cart aside and helped us push the box into the bin. Afterward, I was so sore and tired. Then the night Amanda's baby was born and I was already weak from sobbing all night and all the way to work, the moment I get to work, this guy asks me to bring him a pallet with GV Purified Gallon Water. There are 56 boxes of 6 one gallon bottles on this pallet. I began to pull it with a pallet jack and a co-worker rushed over to push it and we had to push it from one side of walmart, to the other. I grew winded and weak while pulling it over there and we finally reached our destination. I dropped it off and went back to the backroom where I was then asked to bin housewares. Such as Vacuums, dish sets, and microwaves. The night probably couldn't get any slower especially with the amount of pain surging through every muscle of my body. Also, the moment people left me alone in the backroom, I began to sob heavily. It was probably the worst night of my life.
I came home in the morning and found I was entirely alone. For once, the house was completely empty, and I needed someone with me. I began to sob wholeheartedly into my sleeve and was desperately texting my mother for help. She asked her boss to come home and she rushed home to me. I couldn't do anything for hours except pour tears into her chest. I also complained about the pain throughout my whole body and the soreness of my throat. She decided we should call the doctor in which she did. We had to call Grandma to find the name of my doctor because he used to be my uncle Bruce's doctor, so she knew. She began to mention Amanda's baby and what we're planning on doing. She couldn't understand my response because it was nothing but a growing blubbering of jibberish coming out in sobs. She knew she took a wrong step and was trying to calm me, but it was already too late. Mom took the phone away and spoke to grandma about a muscle relaxer. Mom gave me this pill and told me it was to help me relax. I passed out.
I woke up with mom taking me to the hospital for my doctor's appointment she set up while I was falling asleep. We got there and they tested me for strep in which I did not have. They just assumed it was a virus and I needed to take ibuprofen and lots of rest. The doctor then prescribed me to stay home from work that night and take the next few days off which those days were my days off. But I feel terrible because I took a day off, then I take my two days off, and then I return Thursday night and I get transferred Friday.
Probably really pissed them off. Oh well, I won't see them for a while now though.
Today I didn't do anything, but just rest and hang out with mom. She stayed home with me to make sure I was okay for the whole day. Then when Steve came home, he took me to Michael's because they're having a 20% to 60% off sale on all Halloween things! So we spent some good money and I bought some baskets for the wedding next year! Here it is. I'm also going to have the flower girl throw fall leaves rather than flowers. Perhaps there will be a couple flowers in there, but the main thing will be fall leaves. These are also going to be the colors for the wedding.
Steve gets so tired and with us on different schedules, we don't get to hang out that much. So when he insists on hanging out with me, this is generally what happens:
The poor boy is always so tired. I wish he wasn't always passing out on me. I wish we could actually hang out. My life has been just up and down so much. I can't even keep up with it. I wish I could just get a good long week long nap.
I don't know how I'm going to catch up or get ahead. I assume eventually we'll get back on track and everything will be okay for a while.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Amanda's baby was born today. She sent a photo. I swear it's Mexican. I hate her so much right now and I really shouldn't. My main concern is that no one is telling me what's going to happen! Am I going to be a step-mom? Are we going to have to pay child support? Is steve going to get visitation? Do we continually have to see this woman for the rest of our lives? Is she still in love with steve?
But no one
Will give me
A fucking
Answer...
TO ANY OF THOSE QUESTIONS!
And of you ask me, some of them aren't unreasonable! I deserve to know!
I'm so achey from work yesterday cause I worked my ass off and I'm so achey from crying all night and them this guy at work is like,"hey, you should pull 325 FUCKING GALLONS OF WATER from one end of the store to another for me! Kthxbai!"
I wanna go home. I'm on break. Gotta go back though. Fuck my life.
But no one
Will give me
A fucking
Answer...
TO ANY OF THOSE QUESTIONS!
And of you ask me, some of them aren't unreasonable! I deserve to know!
I'm so achey from work yesterday cause I worked my ass off and I'm so achey from crying all night and them this guy at work is like,"hey, you should pull 325 FUCKING GALLONS OF WATER from one end of the store to another for me! Kthxbai!"
I wanna go home. I'm on break. Gotta go back though. Fuck my life.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Not Really All That Smart
I found out today that my last job got $1.50 raise.
Not only did we lose 75 cents an hour in moving here, but now we lost $2.25 an hour moving here.
I do nothing but fight with my Grandma and Mom and Kelsey.
I keep asking myself, what the fuck was I thinking?
Not only did we lose 75 cents an hour in moving here, but now we lost $2.25 an hour moving here.
I do nothing but fight with my Grandma and Mom and Kelsey.
I keep asking myself, what the fuck was I thinking?
Friday, October 7, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
About my life changing in a single week
I find it quite hilarious how the last sentence of my last post says, "See how my life can change in a single week?" It's been almost 5 months since my last post. I feel as if all of those things just happened yesterday. Time with Steve seems to stop entirely, yet when I take a chance to smell the roses, months have flown by. Nothing is the same. How about I start with Disneyland.
Disneyland was great fun. I finally got to meet Keegan. He's a great guy. We didn't get to hang out much because he had to go to work, but we did chat for a little bit. I met up with Jenna and we just did the Disney thing. It was Jenna's birthday, which is funny because the last time I went to Disneyland, Jenna came and it was my birthday. Of course it was fun. Steve's mom and sister were growing tired however and they sat down. They wanted to go on the Star Wars ride with us though, since it was revamped. That line was probably about two hours. It wasn't a huge problem for us though. When you're surrounded by great conversationalists, the time you have on your hands can be entertaining. Finally we got to the ride and one of the Storm Troopers realized it was Jenna's birthday. He asked to take a photo of her. A blurred photo of me and her came out. We then entered the ride and it was really just as I remembered it. I didn't quite actually see what the difference was. They were looking for a rebel spy on the ride and they scanned the occupancy. It zoomed in on Mary, Steve's mom and threw up an alarm claiming she was the rebel spy. Finally the ride ended and I was trying to exit the vehicle. Steve was insanely trying to get my attention as I fiddled with my seat belt and I looked up to see what he was going crazy over.
In his hand he held out a box that contained a diamond ring. "We can has forever time now?"
Time stopped. All the noise and business blurred around me and my eyes focused on the ring to make sure that's really what he was holding. I looked up at his eyes which were locked on mine. I could see the fear and love radiating from the look he was giving me. My mouth trembled and all I could do was nod. I kissed him allowing him to place the ring on my finger. Jenna was trying to get us moving and she realized what had just happened as her jaw drops and she says, "Oh my god."
This pulled me out of my daze and I realized we had to exit the ride. The rest of the trip was really just a blur. I don't remember too much. I was so in shock.
The ring didn't fit however, and we had to get it resized the next day. We went everywhere and finally found a place in a mall.
So I've been engaged for about 3 months now. Or it will be 3 months in two days.
Wedding planning is annoying. I don't know what happens at a wedding, I don't know customs, I don't know anyone who can really help me, and I can't afford one. Weddings on average cost $20,000. Yeah... no. I'm not spending that much on a wedding. I'm considering $5000. However, Steve and I would like to put a down payment on a house. Why am I pumping out $5000 for a wedding when it can go toward a down payment on a house? I'm trying to find the cheapest way to have a basic formal wedding, and it is just not working out. Every place I check costs a minimum of $5000. Perhaps I will just have to rent out a civic center or something.
Another twist to this. So, I was put back on a full-time schedule. Why? Because my co-manager, Chris, absolutely loves me. He says I'm one of the hardest workers he's ever seen. He hasn't seen anyone work like me since he was at my level. I was slowly taking control of that back room. Mandy had to be reassigned because she started dating our new ZS, who was a total douchebag. Eric was transferred to Reno. So guess who worked the whole backroom on Tuesdays and Wednesdays all by myself? Oh yeah, that was me. The work was becoming overbearing and tiring. Chris gave me a lot of power and he gave me a lot of breaks since I was working my ass off and I was the only one to do this job of 5 people. Inventory was around the corner and I was becoming completely stressed. I begged Steve that we had to do something. I was inches away from throwing my badge at my bosses and quitting on the spot even though they treated me so well.
Then Steve and I went on a mini vacation to return Kylie to Oregon after visiting Dad for a short time. We visited the Woodburn Walmart to see how things were operated there. Steve really liked it and said it was about time for a new Walmart. We talked to them, but didn't get really into it thinking it would never happen.
September 5th, Steve put in his transfer just to see. September 9th, they called us and said they needed us there by September 12th. Steve and I looked at each other and he asked me if I wanted to do this. I flat out said yes, so tired of my job and the demanding time I've been putting in. My mother and grandmother had promised us a place to stay, rent free. We could just work and save money for our wedding and down payment. We saw no loss in this.
In a single day, we packed all of our bags and belongings and moved to Oregon.
What a mistake I made.
When we got here, Grandma discussed a rate of $400 a month with me. We took a 75 cent pay-cut. We don't get hardly as many hours. Steve's car insurance went up. From every corner, we were getting punched in the gut. I began to bitch about the price my grandma was charging me for rent on facebook. I realize it is a huge thing to ask to receive free rent and I believe in paying for a place to live, however... I was promised free rent or I wouldn't have moved. We were paying $400 in Nevada and making more money under more hours. It would have been pointless for us to move if we were to pay the same rent.
Finally Grandma felt bad enough and she lifted the rent completely. I was expecting her to lower it, but no. We are now rent free. Of course we help out, clean, buy dinner every now and then, allow them to drive our cars, but the main portion of the rent is gone. Steve also lowered his car insurance by 15% or more by switching to Geiko. Lol no... seriously. And Steve is looking to get a promotion. They've offered three to him so far. Of course he has to interview for them.
So maybe things will look up. Living with family is absolutely crazy, but hopefully we won't have to wait for very long.
Amanda is approaching her due date and I'm not sure what Steve is planning to do. He filled all the paperwork to have a LOA to go there for the birth, but the day we left... Walmart informed Steve that Amanda went into a false labor. She was home now and Walmart didn't know anything else. He called and called and called and texted and texted and texted her, but she never responded. Finally a couple days later she texted back saying her phone wasn't working. Steve was pissed. He said that if she didn't want to inform him about something important as this, then he has no right in that baby's life. They were talking before all of this happened and she doesn't want to collect child support from him (so she says) and she's planning on moving back to Wisconsin. So Steve won't be able to see the baby, or at least easily. That's not why she's moving back, but it does bring up this problem. I'm over here singing to Jesus so we don't have to deal with her or the baby, but then I also realize that Steve may have a child that he will have nothing to do with. And that's just not right. How am I supposed to feel about this? For selfish reasons, I'm so happy. Because I love Steve and would do anything for him... I can't even express my depression I feel for his situation. I keep nit-picking at Steve's pass and I try to stop myself, but it's so hard.
I never associated myself with those who continually smoked pot, or did illegal things, or gained themselves a negative title. Steve has every title under the book, but no longer applies to them. However, they still bother me. I did successfully get him to stop smoking. He doesn't do anything in which he used to, but I still have a hard time getting past it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just deal with these things? It worries me, because a week before we started dating... he'd probably have sex with 4-5 different women... in that single week. Now he's choosing just me to be with. Am I enough for him? Does he ever want more? Why was he such a whore? What if I slowly start to slow down? People grow older and more accustomed to each other. I'm no longer trying to impress him. Should I keep trying to impress him? I mean, I don't just let myself go, but I'm not putting that extra OOMPH into things.
I'm always worried. He's the first man I've ever been concerned of leaving me. All my prior boyfriends, if they left... it wouldn't be a big deal. I never got heartbroken or went into a depression over a boy. If Steve ever left me, I'd shatter as a person. How would I ever be able to collect all the pieces?
Steve once warned me that I should never break up with him for just a couple hours, because he'd probably have sex with someone in that time. How can he say that to me? Have I really not made such an impact on his life that if I ever broke up with him, his heart wouldn't be completely shattered? He wouldn't want anyone or anything to see him for days? That's how I would feel. But I suppose he is a man and when he's not having sex with someone he loves, it's just sex to fulfill a "need". Needless to say, him telling me that almost made me cry on the spot.
I really obsess too much over him and it honestly scares me. I've never relied so much on a single being. Especially one that is so fragile to my life and can break off easily leaving me stranded alone. At least with family, there's legal precautions that must be taken to abandon me entirely. With Steve, he can just get up and go and I can never see him again. Thinking of that scares the crap out of me.
But he won't leave me, I just always think of the worst case scenario in my head to every scenario. Mainly because the luck that my father and I have... it generally happens. But Steve won't just get up and leave. He says we're stuck together forever. Which is fine by me. Once we get married and a house, we're going to try and have a baby. I've visited the doctors and they've given me medication to cause my cycle to regulate and to cause me to ovulate. My chances of having a child are still low. But with a little luck and some medical help, perhaps I can pull this off.
So... my life... in a nutshell... There's so many things I left out. But I mean... it's been almost 5 months! Bear with me. I'm going to try and keep this updated more. Mostly to relieve the stress of wedding planning.
I have an appointment Tuesday morning with Bridal Lakes to see if it's a venue I'd like or not. It's cheap, but it's outdoors. My wedding is going to be in October. It may be too cold. We'll figure things out Tuesday though.
Disneyland was great fun. I finally got to meet Keegan. He's a great guy. We didn't get to hang out much because he had to go to work, but we did chat for a little bit. I met up with Jenna and we just did the Disney thing. It was Jenna's birthday, which is funny because the last time I went to Disneyland, Jenna came and it was my birthday. Of course it was fun. Steve's mom and sister were growing tired however and they sat down. They wanted to go on the Star Wars ride with us though, since it was revamped. That line was probably about two hours. It wasn't a huge problem for us though. When you're surrounded by great conversationalists, the time you have on your hands can be entertaining. Finally we got to the ride and one of the Storm Troopers realized it was Jenna's birthday. He asked to take a photo of her. A blurred photo of me and her came out. We then entered the ride and it was really just as I remembered it. I didn't quite actually see what the difference was. They were looking for a rebel spy on the ride and they scanned the occupancy. It zoomed in on Mary, Steve's mom and threw up an alarm claiming she was the rebel spy. Finally the ride ended and I was trying to exit the vehicle. Steve was insanely trying to get my attention as I fiddled with my seat belt and I looked up to see what he was going crazy over.
In his hand he held out a box that contained a diamond ring. "We can has forever time now?"
Time stopped. All the noise and business blurred around me and my eyes focused on the ring to make sure that's really what he was holding. I looked up at his eyes which were locked on mine. I could see the fear and love radiating from the look he was giving me. My mouth trembled and all I could do was nod. I kissed him allowing him to place the ring on my finger. Jenna was trying to get us moving and she realized what had just happened as her jaw drops and she says, "Oh my god."
This pulled me out of my daze and I realized we had to exit the ride. The rest of the trip was really just a blur. I don't remember too much. I was so in shock.
The ring didn't fit however, and we had to get it resized the next day. We went everywhere and finally found a place in a mall.
So I've been engaged for about 3 months now. Or it will be 3 months in two days.
Wedding planning is annoying. I don't know what happens at a wedding, I don't know customs, I don't know anyone who can really help me, and I can't afford one. Weddings on average cost $20,000. Yeah... no. I'm not spending that much on a wedding. I'm considering $5000. However, Steve and I would like to put a down payment on a house. Why am I pumping out $5000 for a wedding when it can go toward a down payment on a house? I'm trying to find the cheapest way to have a basic formal wedding, and it is just not working out. Every place I check costs a minimum of $5000. Perhaps I will just have to rent out a civic center or something.
Another twist to this. So, I was put back on a full-time schedule. Why? Because my co-manager, Chris, absolutely loves me. He says I'm one of the hardest workers he's ever seen. He hasn't seen anyone work like me since he was at my level. I was slowly taking control of that back room. Mandy had to be reassigned because she started dating our new ZS, who was a total douchebag. Eric was transferred to Reno. So guess who worked the whole backroom on Tuesdays and Wednesdays all by myself? Oh yeah, that was me. The work was becoming overbearing and tiring. Chris gave me a lot of power and he gave me a lot of breaks since I was working my ass off and I was the only one to do this job of 5 people. Inventory was around the corner and I was becoming completely stressed. I begged Steve that we had to do something. I was inches away from throwing my badge at my bosses and quitting on the spot even though they treated me so well.
Then Steve and I went on a mini vacation to return Kylie to Oregon after visiting Dad for a short time. We visited the Woodburn Walmart to see how things were operated there. Steve really liked it and said it was about time for a new Walmart. We talked to them, but didn't get really into it thinking it would never happen.
September 5th, Steve put in his transfer just to see. September 9th, they called us and said they needed us there by September 12th. Steve and I looked at each other and he asked me if I wanted to do this. I flat out said yes, so tired of my job and the demanding time I've been putting in. My mother and grandmother had promised us a place to stay, rent free. We could just work and save money for our wedding and down payment. We saw no loss in this.
In a single day, we packed all of our bags and belongings and moved to Oregon.
What a mistake I made.
When we got here, Grandma discussed a rate of $400 a month with me. We took a 75 cent pay-cut. We don't get hardly as many hours. Steve's car insurance went up. From every corner, we were getting punched in the gut. I began to bitch about the price my grandma was charging me for rent on facebook. I realize it is a huge thing to ask to receive free rent and I believe in paying for a place to live, however... I was promised free rent or I wouldn't have moved. We were paying $400 in Nevada and making more money under more hours. It would have been pointless for us to move if we were to pay the same rent.
Finally Grandma felt bad enough and she lifted the rent completely. I was expecting her to lower it, but no. We are now rent free. Of course we help out, clean, buy dinner every now and then, allow them to drive our cars, but the main portion of the rent is gone. Steve also lowered his car insurance by 15% or more by switching to Geiko. Lol no... seriously. And Steve is looking to get a promotion. They've offered three to him so far. Of course he has to interview for them.
So maybe things will look up. Living with family is absolutely crazy, but hopefully we won't have to wait for very long.
Amanda is approaching her due date and I'm not sure what Steve is planning to do. He filled all the paperwork to have a LOA to go there for the birth, but the day we left... Walmart informed Steve that Amanda went into a false labor. She was home now and Walmart didn't know anything else. He called and called and called and texted and texted and texted her, but she never responded. Finally a couple days later she texted back saying her phone wasn't working. Steve was pissed. He said that if she didn't want to inform him about something important as this, then he has no right in that baby's life. They were talking before all of this happened and she doesn't want to collect child support from him (so she says) and she's planning on moving back to Wisconsin. So Steve won't be able to see the baby, or at least easily. That's not why she's moving back, but it does bring up this problem. I'm over here singing to Jesus so we don't have to deal with her or the baby, but then I also realize that Steve may have a child that he will have nothing to do with. And that's just not right. How am I supposed to feel about this? For selfish reasons, I'm so happy. Because I love Steve and would do anything for him... I can't even express my depression I feel for his situation. I keep nit-picking at Steve's pass and I try to stop myself, but it's so hard.
I never associated myself with those who continually smoked pot, or did illegal things, or gained themselves a negative title. Steve has every title under the book, but no longer applies to them. However, they still bother me. I did successfully get him to stop smoking. He doesn't do anything in which he used to, but I still have a hard time getting past it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just deal with these things? It worries me, because a week before we started dating... he'd probably have sex with 4-5 different women... in that single week. Now he's choosing just me to be with. Am I enough for him? Does he ever want more? Why was he such a whore? What if I slowly start to slow down? People grow older and more accustomed to each other. I'm no longer trying to impress him. Should I keep trying to impress him? I mean, I don't just let myself go, but I'm not putting that extra OOMPH into things.
I'm always worried. He's the first man I've ever been concerned of leaving me. All my prior boyfriends, if they left... it wouldn't be a big deal. I never got heartbroken or went into a depression over a boy. If Steve ever left me, I'd shatter as a person. How would I ever be able to collect all the pieces?
Steve once warned me that I should never break up with him for just a couple hours, because he'd probably have sex with someone in that time. How can he say that to me? Have I really not made such an impact on his life that if I ever broke up with him, his heart wouldn't be completely shattered? He wouldn't want anyone or anything to see him for days? That's how I would feel. But I suppose he is a man and when he's not having sex with someone he loves, it's just sex to fulfill a "need". Needless to say, him telling me that almost made me cry on the spot.
I really obsess too much over him and it honestly scares me. I've never relied so much on a single being. Especially one that is so fragile to my life and can break off easily leaving me stranded alone. At least with family, there's legal precautions that must be taken to abandon me entirely. With Steve, he can just get up and go and I can never see him again. Thinking of that scares the crap out of me.
But he won't leave me, I just always think of the worst case scenario in my head to every scenario. Mainly because the luck that my father and I have... it generally happens. But Steve won't just get up and leave. He says we're stuck together forever. Which is fine by me. Once we get married and a house, we're going to try and have a baby. I've visited the doctors and they've given me medication to cause my cycle to regulate and to cause me to ovulate. My chances of having a child are still low. But with a little luck and some medical help, perhaps I can pull this off.
So... my life... in a nutshell... There's so many things I left out. But I mean... it's been almost 5 months! Bear with me. I'm going to try and keep this updated more. Mostly to relieve the stress of wedding planning.
I have an appointment Tuesday morning with Bridal Lakes to see if it's a venue I'd like or not. It's cheap, but it's outdoors. My wedding is going to be in October. It may be too cold. We'll figure things out Tuesday though.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
That was quick
Blah blah blabbity blah. I don't even know where to start. So Steve and I have decided to go to Dinseyland for his vacation, my old boss got fired and can't stand up for me to have full time, I actually don't mind part-time, Steve quit the radio station, my roommate is getting more pregnant and more stupid, Amanda is getting more pregnant and more stupid. I found out I'm infertile and probably with never have children and Dan's moving in January and we need to find a new house.
Shall I elaborate on any of these?
How about Disneyland. Let's start with a good note. Steve has vacation days now and we were going to go to the Zombie Walk. When Steve spoke to our assistant manager, he told her that he's taking me to meet his mother and wants to know if I can get the days off too. She said it shouldn't be a problem. A week later, we checked the days off and I didn't get them, but Steve did. So, Steve went back in to talk to our assistant manager and she said that I haven't even been there for a year to earn time off. She said I hadn't even been there for 90 days. I've been there for 5 months. It will be 6 in a week. I realize that's still not a year, but it's definitely more than 90 days. So there was no reason I should get time off. But the original plan was to go up to Oregon, grab Kelsey and Kylie, go to the Zombie Walk, head down the 101 to Disneyland, visit Steve's mom in Vegas on the way home, and head back to Elko and have Dad come pick up Kelsey and Kylie from me and have them hang out with him over the Summer. But now our days have been cut much shorter. Since I'm no longer on a full-time schedule, I have three days off. Enough to go to Vegas, hang out with Steve's mom, drive to Disneyland for the day, and then drive back to Vegas. So this is all happening July 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I'm hoping we can get our free tickets into Disneyland, if not... well that's okay. I have the cash to pay for it if not. The woman that hired me on as Backroom Inventory recently got fired, so I've been told, and she was trying to get me full-time and the manager she was working with to make this happen, put her two weeks in. Her last day was last Saturday. So now I have no one who's trying to get me full-time, but I'm starting to realize, it's not that bad. I'm making decent money and with Steve's help, if I don't have that extra 8 hours, it's not going to kill me. Steve and I also got a joint bank account. So I can control the finances. The only problem is, Steve can too. Haha, he's actually really good with money, but he's also an impulse shopper. We'll discover more, I suppose.
Also, recently, Steve quit the radio station. Honestly, the only reason he had a second job was because he had nothing better to do with his time and Steve's a workaholic. He can afford to not have the second job. The reason he quit was he was only supposed to be working from 8-12, but the hours kept running later and Steve kept getting home later only getting minimal hours of sleep. And his new sales representative boss was putting all of his work on him and not doing a lot of it on his own. Steve only found this out recently when he had work with his ex co-worker.
Brandy quit her job and she does nothing but sleep or mope around the house. I'm cleaning dishes constantly and cleaning the counters. I'm so fed up with doing it so much. I mean, I understand things can't stay clean forever, but geez. The amount of time to get this place dirtier than what I just cleaned it from takes what could be measured as nano seconds. Brandy's trying to get on medicade, but she doesn't have any of her information, she doesn't recall when she was last in work, blah blah blah. Sometimes i just want to look at people and say, "Grow the fuck up." but I'm pretty positive this is something Brandy will never be able to do. Even with being a mother.
Amanda, the girl who is possibly pregnant with Steve's child... they found out that it's going to be a boy. Steve's really upset about it. He always wanted to name his first son after him, but he doesn't want to name his son after him with a woman he hates. She keeps bringing up retarded names like Lamko and such. Steve's not going for it at all. They were texting and he said absolutely not to Lamko. Then she said, "It's my baby, I'll name it what I want." Then Steve replied, "Fine, then I have no fiscal responsibility for it and don't need anything to do with it." Then she started back pedaling realizing the shit she put herself in and Steve finally said, "How about we find something you, I, and Robert (the possible other father) agree on." She flipped out. "Robert has no part in this." Steve responded, "What if he's the father." Amanda says, "I don't care. He's not part of my life anymore."
So that fucking means that Steve's still part of her life. She wants Steve to be part of her life. I don't want to share him at all. If this is his kid, I'm going to have to share him for the rest of my life. It's very upsetting.
We went to a follow up appointment with the doctor about my extreme pain. He said he didn't really know what the pain was, but I do have PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I'm prone to developing cysts on my ovaries and this causes extreme difficulty to get pregnant. It's not impossible, but it's highly improbable. The other day, Steve's cousin, Adrian, his wife just had a baby. We were there a couple hours after she was born and Steve handed her to me and I got to hold her. Later that day, Steve asks if he gave me baby fever by letting me hold the baby.
The funny thing is, I've had baby fever. Before I knew Amanda, I kind of wanted a child. I was in the wrong situation for one though. 1) I didn't have a boyfriend or dependable man to be the father (in which I would want if I ever got pregnant). 2) I was going to college. 3) I was running track. 4) I didn't have a dependable job. 5) I didn't have a stable home. There were a thousand other reasons I couldn't have one on top of those, those were just the big ones. But when Amanda found out she was pregnant, I was there every step of the way during her pregnancy. I held her legs as little Aerowyn was born because Amanda was too short to reach the stirrups and be comfortable at the same time. The moment Aerowyn was born, I wanted one more than ever. I was dating Dustin at the time, but there's no way we could of had a kid together. I'd have to wait for him to grow up much more. Seeing kids running around Walmart didn't help. Lots of them were cute. You would think it would scare me off of children, but it didn't. Then I got with Steve and discovering that he might be the father to someone else's child amplified my jealousy of having children. Then Brandy finds out she's pregnant and she's probably the last person that needs to be a mother. Then I visit the doctor's and they're like, "You can't have kids." I pretty much just felt like... Challenge Accepted.
I mean, I'm not in the best situation to raise children right now. I don't have my own home, I'm only 19, I need to go back to school, I would like to be 21 and party a couple times before I have to call a babysitter for me to do so... but it just sucks that when you realize you want to be something... be a mom... and everyone in the world tells you you can't and waves what they can do in front of your face. I hate Amanda in the first place and the fact that she's pregnant with MY boyfriend's child and wants him back... how am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to react?
Then we discover that Dan is moving in January. So we need a new place before then. Elko's not cheap. Steve and I have been househunting, but all the houses that are in our price range are just really shitty. I don't know what we're supposed to do.
So... see how my life can change in a matter of a single week?
Shall I elaborate on any of these?
How about Disneyland. Let's start with a good note. Steve has vacation days now and we were going to go to the Zombie Walk. When Steve spoke to our assistant manager, he told her that he's taking me to meet his mother and wants to know if I can get the days off too. She said it shouldn't be a problem. A week later, we checked the days off and I didn't get them, but Steve did. So, Steve went back in to talk to our assistant manager and she said that I haven't even been there for a year to earn time off. She said I hadn't even been there for 90 days. I've been there for 5 months. It will be 6 in a week. I realize that's still not a year, but it's definitely more than 90 days. So there was no reason I should get time off. But the original plan was to go up to Oregon, grab Kelsey and Kylie, go to the Zombie Walk, head down the 101 to Disneyland, visit Steve's mom in Vegas on the way home, and head back to Elko and have Dad come pick up Kelsey and Kylie from me and have them hang out with him over the Summer. But now our days have been cut much shorter. Since I'm no longer on a full-time schedule, I have three days off. Enough to go to Vegas, hang out with Steve's mom, drive to Disneyland for the day, and then drive back to Vegas. So this is all happening July 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I'm hoping we can get our free tickets into Disneyland, if not... well that's okay. I have the cash to pay for it if not. The woman that hired me on as Backroom Inventory recently got fired, so I've been told, and she was trying to get me full-time and the manager she was working with to make this happen, put her two weeks in. Her last day was last Saturday. So now I have no one who's trying to get me full-time, but I'm starting to realize, it's not that bad. I'm making decent money and with Steve's help, if I don't have that extra 8 hours, it's not going to kill me. Steve and I also got a joint bank account. So I can control the finances. The only problem is, Steve can too. Haha, he's actually really good with money, but he's also an impulse shopper. We'll discover more, I suppose.
Also, recently, Steve quit the radio station. Honestly, the only reason he had a second job was because he had nothing better to do with his time and Steve's a workaholic. He can afford to not have the second job. The reason he quit was he was only supposed to be working from 8-12, but the hours kept running later and Steve kept getting home later only getting minimal hours of sleep. And his new sales representative boss was putting all of his work on him and not doing a lot of it on his own. Steve only found this out recently when he had work with his ex co-worker.
Brandy quit her job and she does nothing but sleep or mope around the house. I'm cleaning dishes constantly and cleaning the counters. I'm so fed up with doing it so much. I mean, I understand things can't stay clean forever, but geez. The amount of time to get this place dirtier than what I just cleaned it from takes what could be measured as nano seconds. Brandy's trying to get on medicade, but she doesn't have any of her information, she doesn't recall when she was last in work, blah blah blah. Sometimes i just want to look at people and say, "Grow the fuck up." but I'm pretty positive this is something Brandy will never be able to do. Even with being a mother.
Amanda, the girl who is possibly pregnant with Steve's child... they found out that it's going to be a boy. Steve's really upset about it. He always wanted to name his first son after him, but he doesn't want to name his son after him with a woman he hates. She keeps bringing up retarded names like Lamko and such. Steve's not going for it at all. They were texting and he said absolutely not to Lamko. Then she said, "It's my baby, I'll name it what I want." Then Steve replied, "Fine, then I have no fiscal responsibility for it and don't need anything to do with it." Then she started back pedaling realizing the shit she put herself in and Steve finally said, "How about we find something you, I, and Robert (the possible other father) agree on." She flipped out. "Robert has no part in this." Steve responded, "What if he's the father." Amanda says, "I don't care. He's not part of my life anymore."
So that fucking means that Steve's still part of her life. She wants Steve to be part of her life. I don't want to share him at all. If this is his kid, I'm going to have to share him for the rest of my life. It's very upsetting.
We went to a follow up appointment with the doctor about my extreme pain. He said he didn't really know what the pain was, but I do have PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I'm prone to developing cysts on my ovaries and this causes extreme difficulty to get pregnant. It's not impossible, but it's highly improbable. The other day, Steve's cousin, Adrian, his wife just had a baby. We were there a couple hours after she was born and Steve handed her to me and I got to hold her. Later that day, Steve asks if he gave me baby fever by letting me hold the baby.
The funny thing is, I've had baby fever. Before I knew Amanda, I kind of wanted a child. I was in the wrong situation for one though. 1) I didn't have a boyfriend or dependable man to be the father (in which I would want if I ever got pregnant). 2) I was going to college. 3) I was running track. 4) I didn't have a dependable job. 5) I didn't have a stable home. There were a thousand other reasons I couldn't have one on top of those, those were just the big ones. But when Amanda found out she was pregnant, I was there every step of the way during her pregnancy. I held her legs as little Aerowyn was born because Amanda was too short to reach the stirrups and be comfortable at the same time. The moment Aerowyn was born, I wanted one more than ever. I was dating Dustin at the time, but there's no way we could of had a kid together. I'd have to wait for him to grow up much more. Seeing kids running around Walmart didn't help. Lots of them were cute. You would think it would scare me off of children, but it didn't. Then I got with Steve and discovering that he might be the father to someone else's child amplified my jealousy of having children. Then Brandy finds out she's pregnant and she's probably the last person that needs to be a mother. Then I visit the doctor's and they're like, "You can't have kids." I pretty much just felt like... Challenge Accepted.
I mean, I'm not in the best situation to raise children right now. I don't have my own home, I'm only 19, I need to go back to school, I would like to be 21 and party a couple times before I have to call a babysitter for me to do so... but it just sucks that when you realize you want to be something... be a mom... and everyone in the world tells you you can't and waves what they can do in front of your face. I hate Amanda in the first place and the fact that she's pregnant with MY boyfriend's child and wants him back... how am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to react?
Then we discover that Dan is moving in January. So we need a new place before then. Elko's not cheap. Steve and I have been househunting, but all the houses that are in our price range are just really shitty. I don't know what we're supposed to do.
So... see how my life can change in a matter of a single week?
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